For
several years I've tried to occupy five roles simultaneously, with
mixed results. Priorities have shifted, along with the effort
required to maintain them and the dynamics of synergies and conflicts
between them. Recently I crossed a major threshold in juggling my
roles, which in retrospect was inevitable, and may also be inevitable
for like-minded people who have chosen similar ones.
The
first role I've occupied is as a husband and supportive member of a
small community that includes my family and friends. In my second
role, I've been a citizen of the United States, working to make a
decent living as defined by my culture, with the hope of eventually
retiring comfortably. In the third role, I've been an aspiring
artist, creating artificial experiences that might inspire,
entertain, and educate others as they did for me. My fourth role
has been as a curious researcher, exploring
and sharing how and why the future might unfold for our species
over the near and distant future. Finally, in the fifth role, I've
tried to become a more responsible citizen of Earth.
The
selection of these roles is understandable, given my personality.
Using the Big
Five model, I am an introvert, explaining why I'm comfortable
with very few people and why I'm drawn to the art and professions
that involve mostly solitary activity. High agreeableness explains
why I typically stick to my culture's dominant script, which
corresponds in general to the expectations of the people around me.
Strong conscientiousness and openness underlie my search for meaning
and understanding of how the world works so that, when a goal is set,
the supporting actions can be derived and followed. I also have high
neuroticism, which motivates me to find and solve problems, and
minimize harm resulting from anything I do (or anyone else does)
through acceptance of responsibility and a pursuit of knowledge that
can improve the chances of success.
I've
shared in much of my writing how I've found the fifth role of
responsible Earth citizen problematic, especially in light of the
results of my research into
variables affecting our future. In a nutshell, it almost directly
opposes my second role as a citizen of my culture and the goals it
prescribes. As evidence has mounted that we may all be doomed no
matter what we do, the advantages of following my culture's lead have
become harder and harder to see. This made my third role as an
artist a lot more attractive as a replacement, even though it almost
certainly meant much less short-term income.
Until
today, the most recent real-world manifestation of my second role was
a job as (effectively) a test engineer, which coincidentally
benefited from the other aspects of my personality – at least for a
while. My discomfort with the potential for hidden problems, when
indulged, is both an advantage and a curse. The advantage is that my
heightened sensitivity leads me to problems others wouldn't think of
finding. The curse is that I start finding those problems
everywhere. Each of us seems to have a limit to how much of
that kind of knowledge we can handle, or choose to handle, likely
related to the openness personality dimension. My tolerance seems to
be higher than most, which sometimes gets me into trouble if I'm not
judicious about how I share the "excess," either literally
or as a result of being too obvious in my pursuit of it (which in a
perverse way can be perceived as "waste"). As I approached
my own limit over the course of the last few months, with the fate of
the world revealed in news and research overshadowing and adding to
my direct experience, it became virtually impossible to do anything
but double down and deal with it, all of it. I realized that for the
world to become healthier, many of the assumptions behind our
physical and social infrastructure would need to change radically,
and very soon, making almost all of the things we focused on, in my
work and around the world, necessarily obsolete. As a result I
became less careful with maintaining perception, to say the least.
The consequences were predictable.
My
writing had served as a way to deal with both my angst and urge to
troubleshoot, before and during that period. Through music, I was
also able to access some deep feelings, many – thankfully –
positive, a revelation from my subconscious that I could share more
than just soul-crushing problems, or numb my pain with the total
fantasy painted by TV and movies. I grasped at the possibility that
I could transition into a healthier set of roles, using this one to
earn enough money to pay off debts and maintain a more basic standard
of living as I plotted a course toward more responsible living that
didn't sacrifice health and happiness. I did so knowing that my
chances were slim, even if we weren't facing a high probability of
death by radiation poisoning, climate change, or a horrific
combination of both.
I'm
still grasping that possibility, and committed now to testing it.
Though I'm sure to take some detours along the way as necessity
dictates, the future – as I used to say about relationships – is
going to be as good as I can make it, and better than it might have
been.